


Riding The Whirlpool

by Valentine20xx



Category: Naruto
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 00:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20462021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valentine20xx/pseuds/Valentine20xx
Summary: In a slightly different Naruto timeline, Sakura accidentally causes a snowball effect when she is fingered for leaking the team assignments, an act which will see her stripped of her status as a ninja... and there suddenly to be a vacancy on Team 7...(Formerly known as Whirlpool Girls)





	1. Destroying A Banshee

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto and Shonen Jump, and is used without permission.
> 
> If I owned Naruto, two characters wouldn't be male purely because the author can't read his own country's mythology properly, and Inari wouldn't be some bratty kid that's only there to badmouth Team 7. Please, Kishimoto, read up on Kitsune and Yuki-onna one day. It'll be enlightening.  
Also, while it was funny, at the beginning of the series, how clueless Naruto was about girls, It was no longer funny at the point where, when he finally notices the one girl who was always there for him, the fandom complains about the forced nature of the relationship!  
I wish to say I was inspired to go back to this concept by re-reading jgresidentevil's stories. If you know the author, you'll be spoiled on one of the major plot elements. However, if you know how I write certain characters, you might figure it out straight away.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura, Sakura, Sakura... I don't even need to demonise you to make you drop yourself in it.
> 
> Also, Inner monologues are fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something I wish to make clear…  
I have moved when Naruto kissed Sasuke to the same day as the exams, instead of to the same day as the team assignments, because I need it to have already happened, due to what repercussions it brings.
> 
> Also, the title was changed since it caused a minor confusion about the female cast, since there were a lot of questions about girls like Karin, who will not be guaranteed to appear.

According to most people, The Uchiha District was an eyesore and a relic of a bygone age, the Uchiha as a clan having gone well past the limit for endangerment, and many requests had been tabled to strip it of it's favoured status and defacto ownership of the district. As an example, Most of what had been the Senju district had been generously handed over to the Hyuga clan decades ago, but, due to the nature of the Uchiha clan, and it's stewardship, there was no clan who had been approved to inherit any of the land, or to move into the deserted homes.  
The only work that had been done on them were some higher-paying-than-normal D-Rank missions to clean them and collect perishables from store rooms, and some discreet B and C ranked missions to deal with the dangerous items that could cause lasting injury and seal cracking on some homes to access hidden bolt holes. However, otherwise, outside the clan head's residence, the majority of the buildings were falling apart due to abandonment, with the numerous requests to let them be razed to the ground, including several by the clan head themselves, not approved.  
This was especially galling when the clan head pointed out in their latest message to the trustees of their estate that they had to cross what was effectively a ghost town just to go shopping or to school, and requesting allowance to move out of the clan head's mansion in the centre of the district. What was not disclosed to that group was that a discreet mission, off the books, kept a single home much closer to the boundary, their home until the Incident, in an immediately usable state, and it was currently in use by some family friends...  
As well as the surrounding buildings, admittedly. No-one thought the new Konohagakure Cat Home was anything to do with the sole living Uchiha, and no-one would. As soon as someone saw reason, they'd abandon this pointlessly ostentatious 'home' and move into one of the homes surrounding the facility instead. But while they were on the books as the clan head, they had, apparently, according to some old men who had likely never lost their entire millennia-old legacy in one night, to live in the clan head's home to keep up the appearance of being the ruler of a clan that would, one day, return. Maybe...

Who were they trying to fool? As they went through the motions of preparing their dinner, they sighed. It was not exactly relaxing to walk into a kitchen this size to just prepare a cup of rice and something to have with it. They didn't exactly have a huge storehouse, not that they needed it for who lived there.  
"Dammit! Why could one simple screw-up bother me so much?! And it wasn't even me who made the damn mistake!" They sighed, looking skyward, "I passed the exam, Mom would have been proud, but this… Gah!"  
A soft mewling drew their attention, and they looked down at the small kitten which was looking up at them, with a look that either was asking for a can of cat food or a cathartic petting of the kitten, before simply chuckling and decided on the latter right now, and the first one in a few minutes. They then gave it a kiss on it's furry head at the great idea, before a finger slid over it's back, eliciting a soft, calming purr from the young feline. Yes, that felt so much better.  
"You're getting so big… I'll have to buy you a new bed soon," They mused, carrying the cat over to it's food bowl, and filling it with a measure of home-made cat food. The figure watched the cat for a few minutes as it ate, then sighed, running a hand over their hair, and the cap they were wearing, the stylised cat ears bouncing back up.  
The cat and hat had been thanks to the friend who now lived in their old home, since her original home town had been even more abandoned than the Uchiha district, and a good couple of hundred metres of the surrounding area was infested by cats as a result. They didn't mind, it meant it was more lively than the rest. The sound of the doorbell made them sigh again, yanking off the hat. There was only one person who would be coming to their door at this hour…  
And they'd kill them if it was a waste of their time like the other umpteen times they'd crossed into the Ruins. There were reasons why they had private time, and these Kami-be-damned visits always cut into it! And they probably knew exactly who was making the visit. Maybe this time she'd say something that would get her out of their hair for a couple of decades.

Sakura knocked on the door again more insistently, stopping as it opened to show an angry Sasuke, who was holding a plate of lightly seasoned rice. She'd disturbed him in the middle of his evening meal again. But this was more important than their daily rice, Sakura herself having got some riceballs off her mother for on the way.  
"Sasuke! There's a big problem!" Sakura whined, causing Sasuke to mentally wince.  
'_Yes, I was enjoying a relaxing evening with Tama-neko, and some banshee decided to visit...'_ Sasuke thought, looking to one side, '_Oh, that's nice of __Tama-chan__… Well, I'll dump this in the bin when I go past. It's gone cold anyway… __Takes three times as long to prepare it as to cook it...__'  
_"What is the problem, Sakura?" He replied instead, hiding his irritation with his usual frosty demeanour, for Sakura to look away, almost as if afraid.  
"My mother… She told me about who I'm with. It's both good news and bad news..." Sakura offered. Sasuke forgot his ruined dinner. The fact that her mother specifically told her about the team assignments was a situation that there were protocols for. Anyone could be an enemy spy, so the team assignments were kept to only the team leaders and the Hokage. _Strictly_ only the team leaders and the Hokage. Sakura had indeed said something that was exactly what Sasuke wanted to hear. It was _good_ sometimes to be a prominent clan head.  
'_The bad news is that, after I've had my dinner and sent a messenger bird, the team assignments will be voided, due to a security leak, and Ibiki Morino will be on the warpath. The good news is that Sakura will be right where she needs to be to end up stripped of her status as a ninja of the leaf, __Oh, Boo Hoo...__'_ Sasuke mentally continued as he arched his eyebrow in partially feigned curiosity, '_Ibiki is so going to hate me when I let him know about this leak, but, alas, I can't be responsible for a security hole...'  
_"Ignoring the fact that no-one, least of all the Genin themselves, should know what the team assignments are..." He drawled in his best bored tone, completely disguising what he was actually thinking, "What were you able to discover?"  
"You and I are on the same team..." She declared, surprisingly unenthusiastically for Sakura. She actually worried a hole into the ground and spoke at a level bearable to most people. Something wasn't right here.  
'_Clearly something more terrible than the fact the assault on my eardrums is intended to continue…' _Sasuke thought to himself,_ 'Does she realise you could consider her raised voice to be a war crime!?_'  
"I sense a 'but' in there..." Sasuke responded, avoiding voicing his real opinion, that the bad news _was_ that she was on his team. Why couldn't he have that girl in Gai's team, Tenten, or Hinata Hyuga. Yes, Hinata would be good. She only seemed to have one volume: Near-mute. Sometimes even mute. He could be within a couple of inches of her and wouldn't be even inconvenienced by her opening her mouth to speak. Hell, He'd probably need to stand that close to hear her sometimes.  
You could hear Sakura from halfway across the building, or worse if she saw a mouse. Oh god, that had been loud when Naruto had done a prank with a box of live mice. Where Naruto got them from, he'd never know. All he knew was that Tamaki really enjoyed the visit him and Naruto did to drop them off, as a special courtesy to several female ninja, since Tamaki only saw mice as live cat food…  
And several people suffered ruptured eardrums for a reason other than a security leak. The people who didn't already used earplugs when they came into class.  
"Well..." Sakura began, sighing expressively, barely able to hide her irritation and anger as she continued "It's about the third member of our team… It's going to be Naruto. We're the top ninja and kunoichi in our year. Naruto somehow managed to pass, despite his abysmal..."  
'_Ah, the truth wins out...'_ Sasuke thought, almost triumphantly, as he tuned out her ongoing tirade about Naruto, '_But… I'm not sure who to side with here… __Do I side with the annoying banshee who will be facing disciplinary action over her 'leaking of the team assignments to an unknown party', or the boy who officially stole my first kiss… Nah. She made her bed, she can sleep on it. And it means no-one's asking about Tamaki and me several months back.__'  
_"I'll talk to the Hokage..." He muttered, resigned. A nice neutral response. And actually half true. It was _required_ that he speak with the Hokage. But not about getting rid of Naruto. If Sakura left quick enough, he'd not push for Seppuku rather than Imprisonment or Exile.  
"You will!? Oh, Sasuke, You mean it?!" She asked, practically swooning.  
'_At least Naruto won't drive me to an early grave..._' Sasuke thought, wanting her off his property urgently as he outright decided what he'd do.  
"Yes, I should be able to convince him that there's good reason to change the teams..." Sasuke replied, Sakura beaming and celebrating already.  
'_Oh, Sakura, You foolish foolish fangirl...'_ Sasuke mused as he slammed the door in her wake. She would not like the results of his meeting after he'd found out what Tamaki had delivered earlier...  
Now, where was he? Oh yes, Tama-neko! The best cure for banshee wails ever. That and specially made earplugs. He binned the earplugs as he picked up the food parcel. Ooh, this was so much better than a cup of rice. Oh yes, and there were some riceballs just in case. And she'd done a new blend of cat food for her namesake.

A few days later, on the team selection day, Sasuke looked at Naruto, pretending to be surprised he was there. He was however surprised Sakura was there. Her mother and a small group of concerned citizens she met with regularly were currently visiting T&I. Already half of them were not going to be coming out before the end of the year while a quarter of them were at 'no known location'. The rest had 'a minor accident' which resulted in their sudden and abrupt death. Some of them actually looked plausible even. Sasuke had to give it to T&I. They were good at their plausible accidents when they didn't want to openly execute someone's shogi club because they discussed village secrets while playing.  
"What are you doing in the team assignments area, dobe?" He sneered, with practised ease, "The remedial classes are three doors down. They got a new teacher since..."  
"Mizuki is sick, and won't be able to do his classes..." Naruto stated, a canned response, before snapping, "Look, what's your problem? I didn't mean to fall onto you!"  
_'Not angry about that. There was this really nice incident a few years back, when I went to Sora-ku and gave Tamaki somewhere a lot less rundown to put her nin-neko. She showed the appropriate thanks... Oh yes, and I adopted a kitten,'_ Sasuke grumbled mentally.  
"Anyway, I graduated after they found out… someone doctored the results," Naruto finished.  
'_No wonder Ibiki was annoyed when I told him that a group of civilians had got access to the team assignments… That'll make it the sixth instructor in as many years that Ibiki took for questioning about their teaching techniques when they filed a complaint with the Hokage about Naruto being disruptive...' _Sasuke mused mentally, '_Thankfully, they weren't brilliant teachers anyway. I know they no longer work for the Academy. I __doubt__ if any of them are still alive __even__...'  
_"How could you doctor having such terrible clones?" Sasuke chose to reply with.  
"I will cover that..." Iruka stated as he came in, before moving to the front of the room, coughing to get everyone's attention, before he started, "It was discovered that one of the academy instructors had, as part of a 'pilot program' of his own devising, placed an unduly high amount of the grade on the practical part of the exam, and predominantly the demonstration of the clone jutsu, a jutsu which had been recorded on Naruto's Academy paperwork as needing remedial training on,"  
"Wasn't Naruto out of class during a good few of the classes on the clone jutsu?" Ino asked, "It seemed like, to me, instead of getting special training on it, he got _less_ training on it as the years went on..."  
"He was meant to be doing a class on chakra control, but he never attended, and we have been investigating the fact since," Iruka continued.  
"I never got told about the chakra control classes, Sensei," Naruto declared, "I did a bit of digging, and there were no signs a teacher was assigned to it..."  
"That's one of the _first_ things we found out..." Iruka stated, "Apparently, the paperwork was 'misfiled', and the man in charge of that part of the department had to retire unfortunately due to a family emergency..."  
'_Family emergency… A abrupt death in the family. Who? Likely him...' _Sasuke mused mentally, '_Is it bad that I can spot where T&I took immediate action? And is it worse that 90% of them involve Naruto?_'  
"Continuing on... The requirement set by this pilot program was to have two clones that are able to stand, unaided, for a minimum of 60 seconds and/or complete a simple activity or basic children's game," Iruka continued.  
"I wish to point out that the requirement for a simple activity also nearly failed me," Shikamaru stated, "However, it was pointed out that the clones were both asleep, which is a simple activity, and atypical for a Nara, when they both woke up after... someone dropped a book. Thanks, Naruto,"  
"Any time! Glad it helped," Naruto responded, for Iruka to smile slightly. He wondered why Naruto was reading in the middle of Shikamaru's test. He'd spotted the problem and found a solution. Namely to cause a noise that would not dispel the clones. He would make a note of that in Naruto's file.  
"Naruto, In a post-examination environment, managed well over the required amount, with each clone having semi-autonomy and limited independent intelligence..." Iruka stated, "Therefore, he got a low passing grade within the remit of the pilot programme… which was promptly discontinued due to the fact barely anyone uses a standard clone jutsu these days,"  
Everyone nodded about the fact that, shortly after anyone knew their elemental affinity, the standard clone jutsu was effectively binned, replaced by highly specialist clones that took advantage of such. So to put any focus on the clone jutsu would be like requiring someone to have good calligraphy if they weren't working with seals, instead of being at least legible. Iruka then stepped aside as Sarutobi moved forwards, the academy side of what was going on finished for now.  
"Team 1 to 6 are still assigned, Team 7 will be Sasuke Uchiha…" He began, the next part obliterated by the noise from someone apparently squeeing, "...and Naruto Uzumaki."  
"Huh?" Sasuke overhead Sakura grunt, smirking. She'd noticed the team assignment had, apparently, not changed. And whoever squeed, he'd have Tamaki give them a kitten. The more kittens getting good homes, the better.  
"Team 8 will be Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame and Yakumo Kurama," The Hokage continued, "Your third team member is a special assignment, and your first mission will be to collect them,"  
"Why is our third team member not from the academy?" Kiba asked, "What's going on?"  
"There was a logistical error, and we were forced to rearrange the teams at short notice..." The Hokage stated, "I am not permitted to say anything else at this time, since the investigation is still ongoing..."  
'_Logistical error. Unfortunately, at almost the last minute, we had a security leak...'_ Sasuke declared, '_And did I see Ibiki outside?'  
_"Was Team 9 affected?" Tenten asked, the Hokage shaking his head, and the members of Team 9 filed out, only there for logistical reasons. Sasuke smiled. Ah good, he was getting the quiet, unassuming girl for his team. That would save them a lot of use of the earplugs.  
"Team 10 will be Ino Yamanka, Shikamaru Nara and Choji Akimichi..." The Hokage declared, looking as Ibiki Morino walked in.  
"Sakura Haruno, You will come with me," Ibiki stated, a quiet thump coming from the back of the room as Hinata realised who _wasn't_ named yet, the rest of them wincing as Sakura's forehead protector was ripped from the hairband it was on, and the bent and twisted piece of metal thrown to the floor. It made a simple statement. Her career was over. She'd clearly broken the law in some way. When you considered the comment about a logistical error a short time ago, no-one felt sorry for her.  
"Iruka-sensei, My team mate has fainted!" Naruto called out, Sasuke raising an eyebrow. Hinata always seemed to faint while muttering something about Naruto. The fact her face had a cooling blush told him the rest. Well, that explained why she was not like Sakura, Ino or half the rest of the girls in his age group. Oh, He knew what he'd be doing when they were in the field.  
"Try CPR on her, see if that will work, you stupid dobe!" Sasuke snapped, the first part of his plan. It wasn't called the Kiss Of Life for nothing...

Meanwhile, Sakura looked back at him in shock. Sasuke _had_ changed the teams due to the information she'd given him…  
He'd taken _her_ off his team, and had reported her to the Hokage for the fact she'd told him the team assignments! How was she to expect that Sasuke would suddenly decide to work to the letter of the law about things like that! She'd been sure he'd see past the minor leak and support her! She looked at the twisted piece of metal on the floor, the culmination of several years of work... ruined by her shooting off her mouth.


	2. Nuclear Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now we have the fallout from Sasuke being, for once, pro-active and doing what was right. Admittedly, if you had Sakura for a fan, you'd throw her under a bus.

At the start of that week, Kurenai was making plans for Hiashi's daughter, making her into a very capable scout in the short term, and getting her to start showing some back bone in the long term. She almost would think she'd faint in front of a mouse, except she was one of the few who didn't scream or run when Naruto got that box of mice out as a prank, and one of them had, for a few months afterwards, been kept by her as a pet.  
Although, now she knew why a requirement for handling Hinata's class was a set of specially tuned ear plugs. That had been one hell of a scream from Mebuki's daughter. She'd scrawled out for someone to check if it was a bloodline limit that Sakura could impersonate a banshee with her raised voice.

When she'd been told that the team assignments for Team 7 and Team 8 were being rearranged due to a security breach, she wanted to find whoever leaked the information, and cause their last few minutes of life to be full of agonizing, soul-rending pain. Then she'd stop using the genjutsu and really hurt them.  
She had intentionally not wanted to let that genie out of the bottle. And now she had to go back to trying to suppress or control Ido. Wonderful. Maybe if she had Ido paint them in some kind of barbaric torture device…  
Well, the regulations concerning traitors, which this idiot got themselves branded as, were very specific.

As she came to pick up the rest of her team, She noticed Ibiki stood nearby, while Sakura Haruno was trying hard to help out with someone who had passed out. The fact Ibiki was there told her part of why Yakumo was activated. One of the people there had leaked the team assignments. The fact Yakumo was a girl gave two possibilities.  
"Naruto, You're doing it wrong! You're going to kill her!" Sakura was complaining, as Naruto was busy giving someone CPR. Considering it was a 'her', she could guess what had gone 'wrong'. The girl woke up, saw who was helping her…  
And passed out again. Rinse and Repeat. First kisses were not normally the Kiss Of Life.  
"Look, Sakura, I know what I'm doing! I've had to do the equivalent of field medical training on myself just to survive through some days..." Naruto snapped back, Kurenai raising an eyebrow, before he paused, looking towards Sasuke Uchiha, "Possibly her jacket is too tight. Why don't you get her jacket off and see if she recovers, if you think I'm going to kill her with my CPR!"  
"That's not how it works!" Sakura exclaimed, Kurenai grabbing her and forcing her away from the incident, Ibiki, for some reason, taking her aside.  
"Look, Sakura, I'm already pissed since someone leaked the team assignments… Now, let me help her, or I will hurt you..." Kurenai snapped.  
"Hey, Sensei, I have some information for you about that leak..." Kiba growled, slipping some ear plugs into Akamaru's ears.  
"Oh, do tell..." Kurenai asked, for Kiba to smirk.  
"She did it," was all he said. The person she wanted to kill was the same stupid fucking airheaded girl who was causing such a ruckus…  
Oh, This was getting better and better. She was, right now, already pissed with the girl, and now someone told her she was who screwed up her entire training plan, and got her activating...  
"Sakura Haruno! You and me are going to get a portrait made with a friend of mine..." Kurenai barked, before she stated, slowly and evenly, "Team 8, come with me. Until the end of the day, Sakura Haruno is on Team 8."  
"But she's..." Kiba began, Ibiki looking puzzled himself.  
"Yakumo Kurama can create pictures which become very believable illusions, to the point that she can cause someone to die because their mind says they took a mortal injury..." Kurenai whispered to Ibiki, "Sakura is going to get a portrait painted by her..."  
Ibiki nodded. She was walking practically speaking to her death, so any prosecution for her treasonous behaviour...  
They could wait until after she'd been dismissed from Team 8.  
"OK, Sakura Haruno, You have a team, for all it matters..." Kurenai stated, gravely, "But this is not a boon... You graduated, you did the work, so you get listed as a ninja of the Leaf. But it won't be for very long..."

Once they'd left, Naruto stopped what was clearly just for show, as he checked her pulse, listening for breathing, and stopping doing CPR since he could tell she just needed to recover.  
"I'll deal with helping Hinata recover," Sasuke offered, "Despite what you acted like, you clearly can be right sometimes, since she's actually breathing, she just is probably suffering something like high blood pressure or similar..."  
"What happened to the teme?" Naruto asked, "You're actually sticking up for me..."  
Sasuke sighed. "Look, We're not in the Academy, I'm meant to work with you. Plus, Any time there's something like this that happens, a report is filed. If you're lucky, it doesn't go beyond that. If you're not, or they're highly placed within the village..." Sasuke began, eye-rolling, "The rest of your day is shot as you spend most of it in meetings over said incident,"  
"Ah yes, Please explain what you were doing this morning with Hiruzen's grandson..." Naruto parroted, before, in his normal voice, he added, "Never mind that I'm unofficially on the books as the kid's sensei since his actual one is a right..."  
"Ahem! I hope you were not saying what I think you were," Sasuke stated, rubbing his temples, "But yes, You have something like this happen, you spend hours going through several meetings where you explain what exactly happened to concerned people. Someone like Hinata is worse, since she's the clan heiress, and they _are_ concerned then, and a few people who would be interviewing..."

Naruto winced. He'd been through several meetings with not so concerned people about when he threw a punch during the more violent incidents during the Kyuubi Festival, so he knew how long those took, and very rarely were they more than the same lecture reworded a dozen times. _Concerned_ people would ask even more pressing questions, and have even bigger reasons to watch for him to trip up.

"Sakura, for example… All she did was the simple act of showing knowledge of the team assignments before today, which would normally get her a small fine and the assignments rearranged. Due to the fact over half the people who were assigned today were in clans..." Sasuke stated, mentally going over the list himself, "And Gai-sensei wasn't willing to change his team, so Hinata got reassigned, and Sakura… She'll be lucky to survive the day..."  
"How come do you know so much about these kinds of meetings? You're practically Kami-sama… I'd expect to get a 100,000 ryo fine over the fact I kissed you!" Naruto stated, "Sullying the clan heir with something like that..."  
"First, We'll cover the lack of a fine. I got the facts about it from the rest of the class, and second..." Sasuke stated, getting a picture out of a wallet, "This is my girlfriend along with my sister. Until that day, only they got kisses from me. As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't a kiss. I got my first real kiss from my girlfriend when I gave her a new home,"  
Naruto looked at the two girls in the picture, one of them, likely Sasuke's sister, wearing a cat eared hat, who were sat outside the Konohagakure Cat Home. Naruto could recognise the building immediately. He then frowned. Something didn't sit right about the scene, but he'd let Sasuke tell him later. There was probably clan secrets involved.  
"Still, It was an accident, neither of our girlfriends will have a fit about it, so no harm, no foul..." Sasuke finished, "Going back to the meetings. For me, due to one of the village laws, I'm backdated on a specific piece of paperwork involving the clan massacre..."  
"You're the only member of your clan, there's nothing else to it!" Naruto sighed, "What kind of paperwork would you be backdated _on_?"  
"A little known law over bereavement means that a letter, which has to be a certain minimum length, has to be written by the clan head to the closest known living relative of the deceased..." Sasuke explained, rubbing his temple as he continued, "Even if the only person available _is_ the clan head, they have to be filled out. Some bureaucrat is likely laughing at me,"  
"Wait, you're writing form letters, submitting them for approval, then sending them back… to yourself?!" Naruto declared, incredulous.  
"_Dear Mr/Mrs Uchiha, We are sorry to say your daughter Suki was unfortunately killed in an attack on the Uchiha Compound dated… _Then the date of the massacre, some stock condolences, a promise that the perpetrator will be found… They must be sent to a living member of the deceased's family who are currently living in Konohagakure..." Sasuke sighed, "Every single one practically identical in format, every single one checked the follow the regulations concerning said letters."  
"And then it arrives back in your house, with an equally annoyed messenger, since he just ran to the Hokage, just to run back to the same place?" Naruto asked.  
"It's worse than that. I write several dozen of those letters a week, 'post' them in the morning, collect them before I go to bed, sometimes sending a message to the Post Office asking why they redacted the letter again. I do not spend an hour writing letters to find that someone blanked out half of what I wrote," Sasuke stated, sighing, "I actually get letters redacted I only wrote myself an hour earlier. You're lucky. You don't have to deal with it, The Uzumaki clan was extinct before you were born,"  
"Yeah, while you have to go through the names of all of your clan, with the regulations meaning you _have_ to get the letter... Well, You take Hinata out, let her get some fresh air, wait for her to recover, then come back in..." Naruto offered, "She didn't even notice I checked Hinata's pulse and probably only noticed I wasn't actually doing CPR, just using the motions to cover up for what I really did… I knew why not to do CPR… She fainted, that's it, anything more would hurt her,"

By the time Kakashi arrived, Hinata had recovered, Sasuke looking at Naruto curiously. He'd dealt with it very differently to what he was expecting. He'd somehow expected Sakura to make a scene, so literally made a scene for her to take part in. And the annoyance over the form letters was real, and even he found it completely ridiculous.  
"Don't know why, but she can't really talk about why she fainted without stammering..." Sasuke offered, "Didn't learn a thing,"  
"Know why Sakura Haruno looks like she was quite literally mauled by some kind of monster?" Kakashi asked, Sasuke looking thoughtful, "All I know is that she's not in the team she was projected for..."  
"Sakura leaked the team assignments, in an attempt to curry favour with me. As a concerned citizen, I reported the leak immediately to the Hokage, who took immediate action..." Sasuke stated, dusting off his fingers, "Sakura's mother's shogi club was unfortunately closed down due to the confidential nature of their banter during matches..."  
"Well, Sakura may well get out of the hospital's critical care ward eventually, long enough for the judgement of the ANBU to finish," Kakashi stated, "She's likely to get a large fine and be kept on the 'medically unfit' register for the rest of her life,"  
"Fancy that..." Sasuke mused, "I was hoping they would kill her..."  
"You should not wish death on your fellow ninja..." Hinata stated, using a fire jutsu on two sets of ear plugs, "Even if they're Sakura. The nice woman who makes those would be out of a job..."  
"Suggest to them that they'd be useful for use on training grounds and other places where loud, flashy jutsu are used often..." Naruto offered, Sasuke pinching Hinata to stop her from fainting again, as she mumbled something about 'Naruto agreed with something I said...'  
"That would help out, and keep her in business... I'll suggest it to the Hokage. Now we've dealt with that..." Kakashi muttered, before declaring, "I want you to meet me on the top of the building in ten minutes..."  
He then vanished, and Naruto took Sasuke's hand, who looked confused, before Naruto beckoned to Hinata, Sasuke grabbing her hand before they all vanished…  
Only to appear behind Kakashi, Naruto taking out a tankobon, then covering it with a cloth, before it changed into an orange book, which he handed Sasuke to keep hold of.  
"Pranking 101. Every wonder how I stay _just_ ahead of the ANBU?" Naruto whispered.  
"Hey! What did you do that for?" Kakashi snapped, furious as he realised he was reading an all-ages manga instead of Icha Icha Paradise.  
"Kakashi Hatake, notorious for lateness and reading a particularly notable book, written by a man named Jiraiya..." Naruto stated. Sasuke held the book between two fingers, then started the handsigns for a one-hand camping jutsu, following Naruto's lead.  
"Now, if you don't want your book to end up making a nice fire, you'll make an effort," Sasuke continued, "And I'm sure Hinata can tell us where you really are when you're late..."  
"First, introduce yourselves. You already know plenty about me..." Kakashi almost growled. He _hated_ tracker ninja.  
"Sasuke Uchiha. I like cats, Tamaki-chan, Tamaki-neko and a nice book before bed. I hate dogs, the speed at which rice goes cold, and writing two dozen letters before bed. I plan to go into raising nin-neko along with Tamaki, creating a Uchiha clan who no longer rely on the Sharingan," Sasuke began. Kakashi looked confused. What he'd expected from Sasuke was 'Vengeance, Hate, Kill Everyone'. He then realised something. The Konohagakure Cat Home was just within the borders of what was ostensibly the Uchiha District. The sneaky… He was already raising nin-neko. He just wasn't publicly involved! The moment he could, he'd be dropping the Uchiha legacy like a hot potato.  
"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen and those people who believe in me as much as I believe in them. I hate the time it takes for cup ramen to cook and those people who see me as a scapegoat. I state this..." Naruto said, "I will never lose anyone,"  
"Anyone?" Kakashi stated, for Naruto to rock on his heels.  
"Sasuke told me earlier about how much people end up filling out endless paperwork about all the people they've lost..." Naruto stated, "In that case, I will be the first ninja to not lose ANYONE,"  
"OK, And now you..." Kakashi stated, looking at the quiet and unassuming third member of his team.  
"My name's Hinata Hyuga. I like cinnamon rolls. I hate when people persecute others for their own mistakes. I plan to make the caged bird fly..." Hinata stated, firmly. Kakashi found himself surprised three times in a row. He knew what she meant by the 'caged bird'. She was also planning reforms in her clan. And she had two people who'd back her to the hilt.  
"Meet me at Training Ground 7 in five minutes..." Kakashi began, heading off to get the bells. He'd expected an emo, a failure and a fangirl. He got three people who wanted to change the ninja world...


	3. The Meek Will Change The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or how not to do the Bell Test in one easy step.

Kakashi managed to get to the training grounds in four minutes, partially since he wanted his book back. He held up the bells, for Naruto to smirk. He knew something, but he didn't know what. The smirk was an 8 on the Naruto scale. He had a whopper of a prank going on. Undoubtedly, he'd used his new shadow clones to trap the entire training grounds. How he did that in five minutes flat, he didn't know.  
"Your challenge is to get one of these bells from me. The one who doesn't get a bell will not be accepted into my team..." Kakashi stated, hiding his tiredness as he stowed them again, "You may use any method you wish to get the bells, your test starts now..."  
Kakashi then body flickered away, Naruto holding up his hand to stop Hinata and Sasuke from going in after him. The reason that they stopped completely was what was _in_ his hands… Both the bells.  
"What the hell?!" Sasuke stated, his eyes popping, "How did you swipe the bells?"  
"Pranking 101. Yet again, The Academy standard substitution jutsu," Naruto declared, "Cost me a couple of broken throwing stars, no huge loss,"  
"Naruto, you don't..." Hinata began, Naruto looking curiously at Sasuke who was grinning, showing there was nothing up his sleeves, before opening up his hands for a mewing sound to cut Hinata off, as she declared, "Aww, It's adorable!"  
"Let me guess, Even you spotted that he was doing something that would force us to compete with each other..." Sasuke stated, as Hinata cooed over her new cat.  
"Yup. And I decided we properly do what he half-did earlier, since our 'sensei'..." Naruto stated, doing 'quote marks' with his fingers, "...did the bare minimum, when we're meant to trust each other. So, Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, I'm the last of my clan, as far as I know. I think my mother is Kushina Uzumaki, since she's the last name in the clan register,"

Naruto wasn't to know it, but his introduction, observed by a formerly smiling Sarutobi, caused several ANBU to be deployed to the village records department, to check that Kushina wasn't listed with any husband or other relationship, and to 'misplace' somewhere secure the public records. The clerk who left the Uzumaki clan register in the open was fired. Their deputy wasn't since Minato wasn't mentioned anywhere on the clan register.  
"You were meant to make sure that no-one linked Naruto to Kushina Uzumaki," Sarutobi snapped at the clerk, "He figured it out by process of elimination!"  
"Sorry, Hokage..." The former clerk stated. Thankfully, it was a genuine mistake. Ibiki was quite put out. That was the second major information leak that he couldn't get to enjoy the screams over.

"Hi, I'm Sasuke Uchiha. I'm in much the same boat, since someone ordered an assassination attempt on all of the Uchiha..." Sasuke replied, "Hinata?"  
"Oh, Umm… H-H-Hello, I'm Hinata H-H-H..." She began, for Sasuke to glare at her.  
"Stop stammering, or I get the kitten back..." Sasuke stated, before asking, "So, I'm thinking that it was bullies or some of that servant caste you have in your clan..."  
"I get on fine with the servant caste, but I do admit I had a problem with bullies. Still trying to replace that scarf he got ruined helping me that time..." Hinata sighed, before eeping and going bright red as Naruto got a look of dawning comprehension. She'd accidentally let slip what was causing her stammering. Hero worship of one Naruto Uzumaki, since he saved her from some bullies years ago.  
"OK, Let's try the introduction again… Hi, I'm Sasuke Uchiha, I practically run the Konohagakure Cat Home," Sasuke stated.  
"Hi, I'm Hinata Hyuga, I'm the heiress of the Hyuga clan. I'm considered the soft touch in my clan. I didn't know you liked cats until today..." Hinata offered, "I thought you were just N-Naruto's rival..."  
Both Naruto and Sasuke nodded to each other. Now they knew the symptom, they could make the solution. Without judicious application of kittens. Cuddle piles only worked for short periods.  
"Right, I'm going to go get take out..." Sasuke stated, "You discuss what she meant by a scarf..."  
Sasuke then left, as Naruto sat down, Hinata partially distracted by the kitten.  
"I'd almost forgotten about that incident... Hell, I'd totally forgotten about the scarf until you mentioned it then," Naruto offered, "Didn't think that a girl actually was interested in me, and I find someone like you is…"  
"I'm too shy, I'm weak..." Hinata began.  
"You're kind, you're gentle… You're like a beautiful china doll that your family doesn't want to put out on display, in case it gets a crack in it..." Naruto sighed, "But that's why you're like that. I bet you get laughed at back at home when you declare you're going to be a ninja. They expect you to be like those hina dolls… Probably part of why you have the name Hinata. Just brought out to be displayed as the beautiful clan heiress..."  
Hinata sighed, the kitten nomming on her finger, reminding her it's chin wasn't being tickled or it's head rubbed or any of the half dozen other ways to let it know it was adorable.  
"Yeah… My cousin hates me since I brought disrepute on the family, My father feels I just bring more by continuing to allow myself to be controlled by others..." She sighed, "I'm losing my family because I'm trying to be someone I'm not..."  
"At least you have a family..." Naruto sighed, "What about me? My mother died in childbirth, and someone removed my father from the clan register… I think I have a distant relative, someone named Karin, since she's not listed as deceased, but other than that, I'm alone..."  
Sasuke then arrived back with some boxes from one of the chinese takeaways.  
"Leave any research on Karin with me..." He stated, "Hell, I bet, knowing the Hokage, he probably has several ANBU looking into Karin's whereabouts right now… Still, We're a messed up bunch. Hey, Hinata, How about you denounce your father, come stay with us? I have plenty of room..."  
"You have an entire district, teme!" Naruto quipped, "That's not 'plenty of', that's frankly excessive amounts of room!"  
"Well, a few hundred metres is infested with cats, but the rest is liveable..." Sasuke added, as he offered boxes. Hinata noticed that Naruto was encouraged to eat something from every box, and there was nothing with noodles. Something odd was going on. Sasuke was dancing round something, but what?

Meanwhile, An ANBU walked into Sarutobi's office.  
"Karin Uzumaki's last known location was within Grass, but she recently went silent," The ANBU stated, "We think she might have ended up part of Sound's ninja..."  
"Thank you," Sarutobi stated. He'd let Naruto know discreetly as soon as possible.

Kakashi sat, annoyed, in a nearby clearing, looking at the position of the sun. It was past lunchtime, he was getting hungry, and they'd not even tried to get the bells. He then went to get the bells, only to find two twisted and bent throwing stars in the pocket he'd put them in. Yep, that ranked an 8 on the Naruto scale. Subverting an academy standard test. He'd been expecting big and flashy... and instead got that.  
"DAMMIT!" He snapped, heading back to the original starting position to find them sunbathing, the remains of their lunch empty nearby. He couldn't even starve them to get them back for their trick. They'd found an obvious flaw in the bell test, and exploited it mercilessly.  
"You all pass," He growled, tossing the throwing stars at them, "Next time, I'll be more specific about 'any method'..."  
"Since you weren't able to delay it as long as possible and annoy us with the fact, _We_ were able to keep you waiting as long as possible instead," Sasuke stated, "You missed an obvious trick..."  
"Managed to get a few things off our chests, come to understand each other a lot better..." Naruto stated, "Find a new use for the bells. I think the Bell Test is too widely documented in clan histories..."  
Kakashi sweat-dropped. It was becoming far too well known, and he knew at least one clan's texts who had a different, but equally valid, way to subvert the Bell Test. His eye twitched as a bundle Hinata was holding mewled, and Sasuke took it off her.  
"Yes, I didn't forget about you..." Sasuke cooed, feeding fish to the kitten that was revealed, looking at Kakashi before stating, "And if you dare mention this to my fangirls, You'll not like the result… She's Hinata's kitten, not mine,"  
Once the kitten was fed and returned to the bundle, his team got up and split apart, clearly having become fast friends in the time it took him to not test them. Dammit. They'd actually done the _other_ part of the mission as well, so he couldn't get them for that!

The following morning, Kakashi entered the meeting between the other Jonin looking angry.  
"My team are evil..." Kakashi stated, "They stole my copy of Icha Icha, then used the same trick to prove that the Bell Test should be retired..."  
"I noticed. They also spent the time you were sat around waiting for them to do some team building..." Sarutobi stated, "Oh yes, and got half of ANBU poring over documents looking into things we clearly missed in the chaos after Minato died. I found a distant relative of his was in Grass for example,"  
"The reason the Bell Test was retired was that anyone who uses it creates a level of antagonism within the team that can't be shaken off..." Kurenai offered, "You literally tell them 'Congratulations on graduating, I'm now going to beat the snot out of you to prove you're nothing compared to me'..."  
"It's good for weeding out problem members, but they pretty much proved that the Bell Test wasn't needed in that case…" Sarutobi mused, "Add to that the fact you unfairly sent a lot of ninja back to the academy for failing the Bell Test, and, well..."  
He paused, standing up. "Sometimes, I wonder if you should go back to the Academy yourself..." He finished, letting the comment hang as the meeting ended early.

Kakashi found this hanging over him as he observed the team doing D-Rank missions. However, the most darkly hilarious moment came when the D-Rank mission offered was to walk the Inuzuka dogs. Sasuke's eyes went wide, and he looked towards Kakashi, straight faced, and asked for 24 hours of bereavement leave.  
"Sasuke, You are not blowing off the mission..." Kakashi stated, "Anyway, I need a signed request from your clan head..."  
Sasuke then walked out, went down the hall and came back a few minutes later with the necessary paperwork.  
"Kakashi, I wish to remind you, first, I _am_ my clan head, and second, that I run the village cat home," Sasuke stated, slowly and evenly, "The last time I went near the Inuzuka kennels, money exchanged hands to agree not to bring up what happened..."  
"So, what happened?" Naruto asked.  
"They mistook my sister for a cat... and it took several miles before they stopped chasing..." Sasuke stated. There was a wince from everyone present. It was a fairly well known fact Sasuke always stopped to feed and pet any cat that appeared in the village. It was a lesser known fact Naruto did that with the few foxes that lurked around the village. Sasuke seemed to have a phobia of dogs. And this was probably why.  
"Ah. OK, Naruto, Hinata, you deal with the dogs," Kakashi stated, "How much bereavement time do you have available?"  
"I could blow off team assignments for an entire year and not use it up..." Sasuke stated, "Well, being the one of the few people confirmed alive of an entire clan…"  
"I thought that only applied to close family members..." Kakashi continued, as the rest of the team walked out to go deal with the mission.  
"Same clerical situation that has me filling out bereavement letters regularly… There's almost no-one else who it can apply _to,_" Sasuke sighed. Kakashi nodded, and let Sasuke go. It was never good when you witnessed the side effect of a clan being wiped out, namely the only known survivor grieving for years.

For the second time in as many days, Hinata found herself, again, in a situation where she was with Naruto, and she wasn't given much of a chance to be a liability.  
"What is with..." One of the handlers stated, "OK, Which one of you got a new pet recently?"  
She put her hand up. "I am sure that she does it deliberately..." The handler sighed, "They can smell the cat on you. I'll do a quick genjutsu on them, masks the smell..."  
Naruto's eyes narrowed at the handler's comment. The only person who had given Hinata a cat recently was Sasuke. He decided to do a detour near the cat home, two girls coming out when he knocked, one of them looking like a female Sasuke in a cat-eared beanie hat.  
"So, You're Sasuke's sister?" He asked, for the beanie-wearing girl to nod, "Any particular reason why the Inuzuka seem to think you have it in for them?"  
"Me, several dogs, tearing it down the middle of the village since I smell like a really big cat, screaming at the top of my lungs?" She admitted, "Now they think me or my brother giving someone a kitten is me getting back at them… Look, I can tell they have the genjutsu on them, so tell you what, since my brother decided to go lose himself in the middle of the district, with several hours of paperwork, want some help?"

Hinata was thankful for the help. When they dropped off the dogs, Suki stayed outside, partially since the guards wouldn't let her in. After that, she walked them to a nearby training area, activating some seals hidden in a set of bracers she was wearing, a pair of clawed gloves appearing on her hands.  
"There's also boots for climbing, but they're horrendous for walking in. Other than that, me and my brother hope to make this the equipment of the modern Uchiha. If the Inuzuka can have dogs, we can have cats..." Suki stated, "Anyway, Thanks for the walk. Not been able to do something like that for weeks, too busy with the cat home..."  
"Just got one question… Where were you during the Massacre?" Naruto asked.  
"Sora-ku. Look it up." Suki stated, "My twin brother came to the village, found me and Tama-chan… The rest is history. Keeps me working in the Cat Home due to the regulations concerning the last female in a clan..."  
"If she didn't have a brother, she'd be… encouraged to find more than a few men to sleep with..." Hinata offered, "She'd not have any option of who to have a relationship with, until after the Uchiha bloodline was safe,"  
"No wonder she's a village secret..." Naruto mused. Sasuke risked a lot accidentally letting slip that she even existed.

A few days later, they were surprised when they entered a meeting with a middle-aged man and the Hokage instead of their usual stop-over at the missions office.  
"Due to recent criticism that was levelled at my lax teaching style, You have been assigned a C-Rank mission..." Kakashi stated.  
"So, these the best you have?" The man stated, for something to flash, and the bottle he had been holding to split into five pieces, due to being cut through by chakra blades, Sasuke looking innocent as the pieces fell and shattered.  
"We have an unorthodox tactics specialist, a Hyuuga, who has 360-degree vision and unparalleled skill with tenketsu, and myself, the clan head of the Uchiha..." Sasuke stated, "The majority of my clan was assassinated because we were considered that much of a threat..."  
"Unorthodox tactics?" The man asked, Sasuke mouthing 'Just state your last name'.  
"Uzumaki..." Naruto stated, and the man's head bobbed briefly. Yep, that was good enough. They _defined_ unorthodox tactics. Their clan had so much excess chakra...  
"You are to escort the bridge builder, Tazuna," Sarutobi stated, indicating the man, "He is to be taken into Wave, and his work there be guarded from local bandits who might harass the workers. Recently, trade routes have been less than stellar from Wave, and this will help restore a steady flow of commerce..."

Once they'd left, Naruto looked towards Sasuke, who smirked.  
"As far as he's concerned, he's got some elite specialist team, a lucky break for him, from how I described us," Sasuke stated, "I'm not going to say that he got a prankster, a girl who only recently got over her shyness and the person who is trying to tear down the Uchiha legacy..."  
"Good call..." Kakashi offered, "Going after bandits is an easy job, but however you did that show and tell with the bottle, especially since there was no way to prepare the bottle, he's more than happy with what we offered to him to do the mission..."  
"Clan secret..." Sasuke stated, but Naruto noticed that, when the sleeve of his undershirt rode up briefly, a set of bracers similar to Suki's was visible. The answer to why the bottle was cut to pieces was answered by that simple fact. And Naruto suddenly didn't want to deal with an Uchiha who wore long sleeves. Well, if they wore short sleeves, he could see the bracers. Naruto then noticed a odd item in his copy of the mission information. A page out of the bingo book.  
"OK, You're buying takeout next time we do it as well... The Hokage just gave me Karin's information..." Naruto hissed to Sasuke, "Slightly outdated, but still..."


End file.
